Here I am. I have just reviewed my output for the first part of this month. I have, I think, given up the notion that I have failed if I don’t write/reflect every single day. This is a challenging time and I can only do the best that I can do.
I was so unwell this month that it feels like breaking through a vat of molasses, straining through the surface tension and emerging free but still covered with the weight of that heavy darkness.
My sister was here last evening. We had a good time talking and hanging out. She is stronger than she has been and she says being here is peaceful for her. That is a good thing. She had a hard night of sleep because it is difficult to adjust herself when not in the hospital bed. Her spirits were good, though. I am hopeful that soon she will be strong enough to proceed with whatever care she decides on.
She is disinclined to go the chemo/radiation route. She told me that she if this is the last three months of her life, she does not want to spend them broken and tired. I agree, of course. But I think the oncologist might still be a good idea to get some hard facts as to what the implications for not doing chemo/radiation are.
I’m so tired of being mystified about life. It seems it is not in my range of habits/behaviors/attitudes to simply let life be. I feel like I re-wound myself whenever I question long-made decisions, but how to just move on? What is the strategy? The problem is that that questioning disables my taking action today. I don’t want to feel I’ve done or said the wrong thing in some moment of crisis.
I’m feeling a bit grateful tonight for my mostly weightless job. My commitment is to smile and try to improve some total stranger’s day. I take that seriously, and it helps me too.
I mean, ah, well.